


the sum of every high and every low

by inlovewithimpossibility



Series: Snapshots [28]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, episode speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 13:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18756958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithimpossibility/pseuds/inlovewithimpossibility
Summary: “Felicity, what matters now is you and that little girl. She is how you love Oliver now and she’s gonna need all you can give.”OR how Felicity learns to live after Oliver leaves with the Monitor [post-7x22 speculation]





	the sum of every high and every low

Numb.

That’s all Felicity feels.

It’s spread through her like a fire warms your body when you’ve just come in from the cold.

No, she thinks, that’s far too pleasant of an analogy.

It’s more the opposite. The way that ice spreads through your veins as you get colder and colder when you’re stood out in the snow.

She looks down.

There’s a blanket over her.

She must be warm then.

That’s good.

She has to stay warm.

Staying warm means staying healthy and she needs to be that.

For Mia.

_Mia._

Sitting up quickly, she breathes out a sigh of relief at the sight of her daughter sleeping peacefully in her crib next to the bed. Felicity knows she should move Mia back into her room. She knows that it’s better for her daughter to learn to be independent and sleep without Felicity’s presence. The thing is though, Felicity’s mind doesn’t seem to be quite attached to her body at the moment and after Oliver… after _everything,_ it’s Felicity who doesn’t think that she can sleep without Mia.

Not yet.

“Felicity? You awake?”

Oh right, it’s Friday.

The day when John shows up to help. Or at least that’s what he claims. Felicity’s sure he’s there to babysit her more than Mia.

Maybe if she just doesn’t answer…

“You know, announcing your hiding plan isn’t really the best of ideas.”

His voice is a lot closer now and Felicity looks up to see him stood in the doorway. His amused look melts into something else, something Felicity desperately wants to ignore. She doesn’t want sympathy. She wants to be alone. She wants to _sleep._

Damn John Diggle, thwarting her plans.

“I bought pastries. Have you been to that cute little place in town? It’s just off the square, lovely woman who runs it.” John comments as he enters the room and he sits on the end of the bed.

Felicity stays silent.

She hasn’t left the house in three weeks. Not since…

John knows this.

“I figured maybe we could sit on the porch and eat them? It’s a nice day.” He suggests and Felicity frowns.

“My security system works best inside.” She finally comments and John sighs before he expertly covers his expression.

“Okay. How about by the bay window?” He counters and Felicity shrugs, picking at the blanket draped over her legs.

“I’m not really hungry.” She tells him and it’s true. She doesn’t want to eat. She wants to sleep even though she’s not really tired. She sees Oliver when she sleeps but when she wakes up and he’s not there, her heart breaks all over again. Sleeping is good.

“How about a coffee? I can use that fancy machine you have?”

John’s really trying but all Felicity can think of is Oliver picking out that machine and telling her all of the wonderful coffee concoctions he was going to make her once she was able to consume more than one cup a day. He’d managed a few in the short time they’d had together about Mia’s birth but there are still so many he never got to make.

“No thanks, I’m okay.”

“Felicity…”

They’re interrupted by a loud cry coming from the crib and Felicity breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn’t want to talk about it.

John is up and moving to the crib before Felicity can really comprehend that Mia is crying.

“Oh, good morning, baby girl. Did you have a nice sleep? Hmm? Oh hello.” John coos in a voice that Felicity contemplates is almost unrecognizable for her friend. The softness is something she’s used to but this is high pitched and he’s almost giggling.

“John, she needs feeding.” Felicity sighs and holds her hands out, asking for him to hand her daughter over. Her friend, however, looks at her with a smile before balancing Mia with one arm and snatching the bag of pastries off the bed with the other.

“Well, Mia and I would like to enjoy our breakfasts in front of the bay window so that’s where we are going to go.” He comments and before Felicity can really comprehend what’s happening, he spins on his heel and leaves the bedroom.

“John!” She calls after him exasperatedly as she slumps back into the bed.

“She’s crying quite loudly Felicity, better hurry up.” He calls and Felicity huffs, throwing the blanket off of her. The cold air hits her like a ton of bricks as she stands, her legs wobbly from lack of use and she huffs, reaching for the closest thing that looks like it might cover her legs.

Sweatpants.

Oliver’s sweatpants.

Long, gray and tatty.

They’re his favorite pair.

He wears them constantly around the house.

_Wore._

Wears?

Felicity doesn’t really know the standard terminology procedures for your husband leaving to restore the balance of the universe.

Even MIT doesn’t cover that one.

Mia’s cries get louder and Felicity huffs, throwing the sweatpants aside before she finally locates a long pair of pajama pants of her own and heads down the corridor to the kitchen/dining/living area.

John is sat at the bay window, happily munching on a croissant as he carefully bounces Mia in the other arm. She’s not quite big enough yet that Felicity trusts herself to hold her as such but John’s arms are like triple the size of both of hers so she knows her daughter is safe.

“Hey look, Mia, Mommy’s here to get you some breakfast.” John coos and Felicity huffs, taking Mia from him and purposefully moving away to sit on the couch. She sinks into the cushions as Mia’s little hand claws at her top. Felicity carefully bats her out of the way to do it herself and Mia happily latches on when her prize is revealed to her.

Sighing, Felicity looks down at her daughter. Her face is peaceful now, at rest, but her eyes are wide open, looking around at everything around her. This is all stuff she’s seen before though and Felicity takes a deep breath before she stands, making her way over to the bay window and sitting on the other side to John. Mia immediately looks out the window, her little eyes widening and Felicity forces herself not to stare at the gate at the end of the yard, pushing down the hope that her husband will come walking through it.

“She’s exploring. Looking at things she doesn’t see a lot.” John comments and though Felicity doesn’t look up from Mia’s face, she feels the cushion sink as he slides across next to her.

“My four-month-old been sending you complaints about what she gets to see?” Felicity questions dryly, her eyebrow raised as she chances a glance at John. It’s only a second and then she looks straight back down at Mia’s face.

“No.” John chuckles and Felicity sighs. “Give her a few more months though. She is your daughter after all.”

“Hmm.” Felicity sighs and then looks at the bag of pastries. She’s not hungry but they do look good.

“I got cinnamon swirls.” John prompts and Felicity caves.

“Once she’s done.” She tells him and John nods, his gaze falling on Mia as well. A tense silence settles over them but Felicity pushes it to the back of mind. She’s been doing that a lot lately. She wonders if there’s a way the back of her mind can explode with everything she’s got holed up there.

Eventually, Mia finishes and her little head pulls back, grinning at Felicity. Felicity’s lips twitch but she doesn’t smile. Instead, she stands and lays Mia’s mat on the floor, setting the baby down on it and laying down in front of her. Mia is happy to wriggle around and Felicity offers her a hand to play with, the four-month-old easily entertained with her fingers.

“You know, there’s a nice park in the center of town. I think she’d like it there.” John speaks again and Felicity sighs, looking up at him.

“John, it’s been three weeks.” She answers simply, moving her hand a little as Mia latches onto a finger with her entire little, chubby hand. It amuses the baby greatly and she giggles adorably.

Felicity remembers when she first did that.

It was only a few days before Oliver left and he’d come running through the house with Mia tucked under his arm like a football, much to Felicity’s horror. Once he showed her what had him so excited, however, she had reveled in it as well and the three of them had stood there giggling. To anyone else, they would’ve looked insane.

She doesn’t want to think about how many more of those firsts he’s going to miss.

“Exactly, Felicity, it’s been three weeks and you haven’t left the house.” John comments and Felicity frowns, her head snapping up in anger.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was a timeline to figuring out how to live after your husband sacrifices himself to save the _entire multiverse._ If you could point me towards the handbook, I’ll get right onto following the twelve-step plan.” She snips, finishing with a scoff and an eye-roll.

“Felicity, I didn’t mean…” John pauses but Felicity isn’t having any of it.

“What? You didn’t mean what, John? To pressure me? Because that’s all you’ve done, every single time you’ve been here.” Felicity sighs, pushing up so she’s sat on the floor instead of laying on it. John sighs and moves to the couch, sinking down on the cushions close to where she and Mia are on the floor.

“Felicity, I understand that you’re grieving…”

“No, you see, I’m not grieving John. Because my husband isn’t dead. No, he left. He went to save the universe and the worst part is, I can’t even be annoyed at him for it because it was so selfless. He put his life on the line, left his wife and child, to go and save everyone on at least 53 earths, possibly 221? Do you know how many people that is John? Assuming a similar population to our own, that’s 1,700 _billion_ people. How selfish does that make me if I say that I wish he’d stayed? If I say that I wish he let the multiverse collapse so that… what? We could make pancakes? Take Mia on a walk through the park? I signed on for this, I married a superhero. I just never contemplated properly how much it would hurt when he made that final sacrifice.”

Felicity sniffs, refusing to let the tears fall. She looks anywhere but at John but his eyes are locked on her face as she desperately searches the room for something to focus on.

“Felicity, you couldn’t have known…”

“Oh but I did. Oliver was sacrificing things from the day we met, before that even. Little ones, nothing on this scale. But that’s the kind of man he is, John. He’s a hero and he’ll always put others’ lives before his own. His love for his city, for his world, it’s deeper than you or I could ever imagine and that’s what makes him such a great hero. It’s one of the main reasons I fell in love with him.”

She almost smiles at that. Her husband is a hero and he’s proven that, _so much._ He has given up everything. That’s part of the reason it hurts. _Oliver didn’t want to go._

Felicity blanches a little as John sits down on the floor next to her. She frowns when he reaches over and detaches Mia’s hand from hers but then she realizes that she had actually been holding the baby’s hand rather than the other way around, not tightly thank goodness, but Mia seems a little perturbed at the loss of one of her exploration tools.

The baby, however, is suddenly disinterested in the floor and cries, reaching her little arms towards Felicity. She easily scoops her up and settles her against her shoulder, wrapping her safely in her arms and planting a kiss to her head. John smiles at the sight of them and draws her attention by placing a hand on her knee.

“You know you can know all that, and still feel the way you feel, right? Being aware of who Oliver is and how heroic his sacrifice was doesn’t mean that you can’t hurt right now. You’re allowed to be upset that he didn’t stay. That doesn’t make you a horrible person.” He tells her softly and Felicity frowns, taking a deep breath.

“It doesn’t?” She asks, hating how vulnerable she sounds right now. She’s worked so hard over the past year to become someone who can fight for themselves and protect her family but one last shock move from her husband and she feels like she’s right back to where she was a year ago. Alone with Oliver’s child with no idea what to do.

“Of course not. You know that given the chance, he would’ve been here with you, right?”

“Of course I do. I know this wasn’t his choice, not really. I know that rationally, but deep down… I guess I’m always going to revert to being that seven-year-old who couldn’t work out why her dad left.” Felicity is quiet as she finally spills what she’s thinking. She knows rationally that Oliver and her father are polar opposites but rationality isn’t really winning at the moment.

“Felicity…” John sighs and Felicity looks away, unable to stand the sympathy in his eyes. Sympathy doesn’t help. It doesn’t change the way things are. She adjusts Mia on her shoulder and changes positions a little as she thinks through her next words.

“I just… I wanted it to be _different_ for her, you know? I wanted her to grow up knowing that her dad is the most wonderful person on the planet and that he _loves her… with all of his heart.”_ Her resolve cracks and the tears breakthrough, a few spilling down her cheeks. She quickly turns her head so that none of them fall on Mia and wipes them away on the grotty sleeve of her t-shirt.

“She can still know that. It’s just up to you to teach her it.”

“But she’s still never going to _know_ him.”

“Maybe not in that sense. But if you tell her all the stories, teach her about the man her father is, one day she’ll understand what that all means. One day, she’ll understand that this is her dad loving her with all of his heart, even if it’s not the easiest thing to see.”

John smiles softly, his hand squeezing her knee and Felicity takes a deep breath, thinking through his words.

“Yeah…” That’s all she can manage but she knows her friend is right. She can show Mia how much she is loved and that her father loves her more than anything. Even if it’s not what she would’ve hoped for her baby, it’s the best she can do with what she has left.

“Felicity, what matters now is you and that little girl. _She_ is how you love Oliver now and she’s gonna need all you can give.”

“You’re right. You’re always right.” Felicity sighs, turning to drop another kiss to Mia’s head.

“Damn, why wasn’t I recording this conversation?” John smiles and Felicity finally allows herself to as well.

“Do you think you could watch her for a moment?” She asks softly and John nods, scooping her up and running his large hand over Mia’s back. His hand is practically the size of her and the sight makes Felicity smile a little.

“Of course, we’ll chill for a second, huh babydoll?” Digg smiles at Mia, his face lighting up when she giggles and smacks her little hand to her face. “Where’re you going?”

“To shower. I can’t very well go to the park dressed like this, can I?” She smiles and revels in the joyous expression on John’s face for a second before she turns and makes her way back down the hall. Sure, she’ll have to put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so that she’s not recognized but maybe, just maybe, it’ll feel good to get out and get some air.

To live, rather than just survive.

Mia needs her attention now, and Felicity is not going to let her daughter down.


End file.
